we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize