Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
wat bout pragnant strippers??
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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