i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
