come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
