The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
