I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
