I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Randomize
