Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
she looked like the before picture.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
