Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
