Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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