I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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