Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Boobs speak an international language.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
