The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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