I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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