Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
