How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Randomize
