dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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