my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
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