Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
