I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
