bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
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I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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