The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
