i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
