don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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