Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
