On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
