Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Randomize
