my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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