Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
