she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
