all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
