I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
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