im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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