Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
