Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
