Her vagina should come with caution tape.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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