Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a bag of teeth...
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize