Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
