i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
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just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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