This is not my ceiling
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
