I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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