Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
