Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
