Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
You ruined the universe
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
