you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
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