I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
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