i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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