Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
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Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
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The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I think i got beer on your cat.