How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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