i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
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