I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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