just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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