I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize
