happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
