im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
