Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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