my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
